Lonely Visionary

A friend and I were discussing a colleague who’d gotten herself impregnated by another colleague. The guy apparently decided he was good for the baby but not for her. Smh.

 It’s the same old plot- a vulnerable, maybe a trifle foolish woman, a pressurizing, maybe a trifle sick man and you’ve got a mix made in hell.

How many times would I have fallen for that one? Even now I’m still a sucker but… with God, I just don’t suck at the same things anymore. How often is the scenario up there played out? The one major way women get sucked in into low-down, dirty relationships of convenience with guys they don’t need or even know, when they should be finding themselves, working on themselves, moving on in life, knowing what is wrong, seeing dangers and pitfalls, avoiding dangers and pitfalls, getting better….

Yeah, it sounds like a lot of hard work but precious stones are formed under exceptional pressure- the right mix of materials, high temperature, and high pressure and there it is!  Of course, if what comes together under pressure is wrong you just get hard stone- You either buckle up and make the hit or buckle down and be lost, maybe forever.

Don’t make a mistake- I am not some cold blooded, frigid b-word that has never known what it is to be wrapped up in the warmth of a guy nor wants to be. I only got to the point where I said I wanted more. Not just the warmth of a guy but the warmth of a worthy guy, a guy worth my while. I was made for better.  One psycho relationship after another dysfunctional relationship was not the way to go- I had been pulling mad men faster than bees to a honey pot and packing them into my history thicker than sardines in a tin- and I needed none of these! I was the problem.

So, yeah I still want a guy but not the (then) usual kind. Now I want a guy I can actually introduce to friends even if the relationship goes south. Before now, I’d be with a guy and I’d know I could do better. Wasn’t settling supposed to be a once in a lifetime thing people did when they got married?

Anyway, needless to say my current choice in men has significantly and systematically brought down the number of palpitations my heart can get from looking at any man. Sure, old habits rear up but they’re easier to deal with when I know them for the problem that they are.

I’m telling my friend how women set themselves up for failure in a relationship. In not knowing who you are, you fit into what a guy wants you to be. God help you, if the guy has got less stability than a horse in quicksand. Yeah, there are lots of married people but I envy none. I simply look forward to my ideal. And when I’m wondering if it is possible, if the guy even exists, I work harder- on myself, to get to where I need to be. I’d rather walk alone than get there broken or never get there because I’m with the wrong one.

Yeah, it’s not easy. I told my friend how painful it can get. But I’ll take my pain as the price I pay for getting what I want… and if not that- then at least, for getting where I want.